After my incredible time with the Lord and Jesus this morning I started to feel empty again. I still strongly felt Jesus in the room so I asked Him. "So what? That's it? We just had this wonderful time together and now I'm just to go on with my day?" It just didn't seem right, seemed almost trivial...actually I'm not sure that's the word I'm looking for. All I'm saying is that something in me said that an hour and a half with the Lord in the morning isn't enough for me. It was so God-filled and I needed it, but I need more than just that. I need Him every minute of every hour of every day. How do I get that? I wanted to stay in that place for the rest of the day, but realistically, I have two boys that need to be taken care of both physically and spiritually. I have a household to run and errands to do, and today specifically, Christmas presents to pick up. I couldn't stand the thought that my time with Him only exists when it's quiet in the house and I'm sitting down in my Bible. Because I just can't do that all day, not because I don't want to, but I just can't.
It's then He reminded me, "You have Me. I am with You every minute, of every hour, of every day. It's up to YOU to spend your day with Me." I may not be able to spend my entire day on my couch with my Bible open and spending alone time with the Lord, but I can spend my entire day with Him. Intentionally looking for Him and His presence in everything that I do. Speaking to Him as if He is really there. No, not as if, because He really is! But to mentally picture it, to make it more real to me, to make it a reality, not just a thought or imaginary friend. In fact, that was my prayer to Jesus this morning. I told Him I needed to feel Him real, I needed Him to be a reality in my life, not just a fictionary friend. Because sometimes I feel like that's all He is, is just a fictionary, imaginary friend that I make up to make myself feel better. When I sense I'm being hugged and held I need to know that's really Him, not just something I'm doing to self comfort myself. Does that make sense? Am I alone in that?
So today I am going to be looking for Him. To spend my day with Him, in everything that I do. And I ask for protection as well because I can already feel the enemy trying to steal this all away. Telling me that this will never last, it's just a short phase and then I'm going to be back to 'reality' which is hopelessness, depression, and a life with no purpose. That following God will be boring and unfulfilling. It is a lie that has ensnared me, but I feel the Lord quickening me to see it for what it is and to sense it as soon as it starts creeping in.
It's hard to see the purpose in my life when my day is filled with such mediocrity it seems. For example, my day will go something like this today: it is now 9:15 in the morning, soon, Noah will be up and I'll feed him. I need to find some important papers so I can get my newborn, Nehemiah registered with my tribe and also to apply for LIEAP. I also need to get my application for Noah to attend early preschool turned in. A little before noon I need to get all of us ready and out the door for Nehemiah's one month check-up. After that, we are headed to Missoula to pick up Christmas presents for Noah and Nehemiah. Then, when we get home it will be time for bed. As I type all that I feel a little stressed, and there really isn't anything special about it. But I also know that when all that is done with the Lord, it is anything but mediocre. And, in the big picture, it is just another piece in the puzzle. The Lord will use this day to draw me nearer to Him, to refine me, to teach me, to make me into the woman and warrior He has designed and destined me to be. Also, I must never forget....that is the day I mapped out, but at any given moment He can change it all. He is not confined to what I say my day is going to be. What is my point? My point is....I'm not going to try and figure it all out. One step at a time, one day at a time. My mission and purpose for today...to spend it with Him. It's like practice ya know? Today, I am practicing spending it with Him, looking for Him, obeying Him. He is up to something, I just know it.