I have been on hiatus far too long. I still have reservations about picking up this blog again in that I'm not even sure how to put into words all that I have been going through and the things God has shown me. I so desire to share what He is doing, what He was done, and to allow you to share in my journey in what He is going to do. But I'm afraid that I won't do Him justice, or that I will share too much. But I truly feel like I have been gifted to write and there are few things I love more than to share what God is doing in my life....however sometimes that can be confused with me just wanting to share about my life and talk about myself, and if I throw a little God in there then it really isn't vanity is it?
Anyways, I press on, even through the uncertainty because I trust that if I truly am seeking Him and desire to share what I share for His glory alone, then He will be able to use this for His glory and will be able to use this for someone who may need to read it. Because I'm finding that in this difficult season, something that has helped me the most is hearing the testimonies of others and how God worked in their life. It has lifted me up when I needed it, and it seems like God has always sent the right person with the right story to me at the right time. Surely someone out there in cyberspace can relate ;) That's what I want to be for others. Even if it's just one person, even if it's just one post out of every post that I ever write.
So to end this rambling, one of the women whose blog I read and she also spoke at the first women's conference I have ever been to, Laura Krokos, has challenged us with a Not About Me November challenge. Every post (it's supposed to be every day, but I really don't want to promise something I'm not entirely sure I can keep, considering I do not have internet at my home) in November is themed to the realization that it is not about me. This month every post will be about God, and how it truly is all about Him. As Beth Moore would say "This is the Jesus show."
In this season in my life it is so easy to make it all about me. I'm going through some pretty hard struggles that I wouldn't wish upon anybody and God is more present in my life than He ever has been. And I am beyond grateful. I know I could not make it without Him. Ya, maybe after a while I would have mustered up some courage and strength to get off the floor and take care of my kids, but to actually live? To be able to get up and say "I'm really hurting, my heart is broken. I just don't see how this will ever get better and stop hurting. But I trust You God, I know You have a plan, and as long as I am following you I am going to be okay." That, is God's strength in me, not my own. But it is still so easy to make this all about me. Almost as if I am using God to help me and my crisis. Please don't misunderstand me, God completely cares about what I am going through, and He will be there every step of the way. But in the bigger picture, it is not about me. This is not my home. This is a hard thing for me to grasp and be disciplined enough to live in. It's not that this life is pointless and that we should live it to the fullest, but the point is that this life is not all there is...and really, it's not even our LIFE. God wants us to live it to the fullest, but to the fullest in Him. Because when all is said and done, we are going home. And when we get there, we are not going to take any of this with us. When I get home, I won't spend eternity mourning over my marriage, over the loss of what I thought was going to be for the rest of my life. So, He does care, and He does want what's best for us as we walk through this life, but it's not what He wants us to be all about. He wants us to be all about Him, and His work and His will. That's why we are here. We were created to love Him, to worship Him, to be in relationship with Him. And to share Him. I want so badly to get it, fully get it. It is not about me, it is all about Him. More of You, less of me, God. I'm looking forward to where this challenge will take me. I so desperately want to be able to focus on my relationship with Him and not be wrapped up in the trivial things of life, or even the hard stuff. I want Him to be my everything, my all. Because it is only in that place that I am truly safe, truly happy, full of joy, really living.
I apologize if this first post from a long break is boring or stale, but sometime you just have to move and step forward and in being in motion you can be directed. So, this is me moving, picking up my writing and sharing. If you'd like to join in the challenge, you can stop by Laura's blog, Beholding Glory here: http://www.beholdingglory.com/
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